Hi everyone, (not sure if I’ve ever started like that and it feels weird but anyway aha), I was kind of very aware as I was writing my last post that it was pretty emotionless. There were even a couple of paragraphs which I fell asleep on, and if I did, I can’t imagine how you felt! So anyway, this is just for a little catch up with you- just something a little bit more personal.
I wasn't really sure what photos to go with this, but there were so many from this shoot I never shared, and they turned out so lovely. So excuse them being not totally fresh from the ground, and also if they feel like not the best fit with the text, but I just needed something to fill in the gaps and give the reading a break.
I’m not totally sure how to begin, but basically, I’m feeling a bit terrified haha. My friends are gong to uni; and I’m terrified of feeling alone, of the unknown, of ending up at home, of ‘failing’, and of not being able to make peace with myself. I don't want to feel alone, and I don't want to keep hitting brick walls.
My faith is also all over the place and there are some things I just can’t seem to figure out in my mind. From a little child I’ve had an enormously strong and immovable faith, that gives me all the answers to why we’re here, what’s right and wrong, where true peace is found, and the priority of importance to things. But recently there have been so many things which don’t seem to quite sit right, and so many things which have confused me, and I have felt myself confused, and without the firm love of Jesus to hold onto for the first time in my life. He was my rock, my shepherd, my guide, my best friend, the person I talked to when no one else was there, the person who knew me inside out and still loved me, the person who promised to never leave- even as others come and go.
When I go out in nature I see God all around me, who could have created something as beautiful if not God? Because who creates beauty like God does; no one, no one is as great an artist. I feel him around me in the peace of the nature, and the heart-stopping, overwhelming beauty, and the way It all feels like a hug.
I love just being in nature, and feeling God around me like a hug.
But I know Jesus demands your whole life, ‘to take up your cross’, ‘to give up your life so you may save it’, and that’s what I feel I am not doing at the moment, because of all the confusion which clouds me surrounding that topic.
I think one of the things that really stumps me is, does God really care? Jesus is much more interested in eternal salvation than suffering ending here, because there are verses about suffering here preparing us for the future glory, and making us more like Jesus. It is true that through some times which felt excruciating I humbled myself and took everything to God. I drew so so close to him so that I could feel him in every minute of the day and the breath I breathed, and when I was truly struggling, I’d cry out to him, asking please please please please help me. He was my everything and without him I was nothing. But now, instead of the enormous and firm trust and faith I had that God is sovereign, I just seem to flop and think, does he even care? Does he even care about the thoughts that plague me day after day, does he care about that shower I found really difficult? Does he care about when I can barely get dressed, or feel like giving up and just want to curl myself into a ball and lie on the floor or on the bed and hope that life does not keep going? Does he care at all?
I could talk about that topic for ages, but I don't want to bore you with the details haha. I've got a notebook and I'm writing things down, and I will continue to write.
This also I'm not quite sure how to introduce, but I’m dealing with a lot of shame over being the person that I am, and all the faults I know I have, and all the people who I’ve hurt, and it’s something I am really really struggling to shake. I know now how incredibly strong shame can be, it just takes you and grips you hard and doesn’t let you go. Shame gets to every part of your body, and calls you nothing more than a pile of shit.
I’m also feeling really really not that great about this coming year. I don’t even want to start going on about what I may be doing, because thinking about seems to make me feel sick. But basically, though I am very lucky that I have amazing options, I seem to just find enormous dread there, instead of excitement over them.
When I look ahead I get filled with fear that ‘I will not be okay’. I’m so terrified of things not getting better, of staying how I am at the moment. It’s why I keep leaning towards giving up on travelling to London, and just escaping to Spain.
I know I feel better there (Spain)- not entirely perfect, but better. I feel I am better able to breathe, and that nothing feels claustrophobic anymore; I do not feel I am living in a dark cage. I still struggle, but it’s much better. Somehow, I keep thinking that moving to Spain would be too good to be true though. And instead of excitement (as with all the plans) despair fills me and everything begins to feel so heavy-because it’s like I’m giving myself false hope...
I’ve wanted to move to Spain and live independently for so long, that it feels like it couldn’t happen. And again, there’s the fear; fear of feeling so so alone, or not being ready, or the looking after myself all going on a fast downhill slope because there’s no one to guide/ watch over me. But if I am able to finally make it one day, I know I will be more than fine, I'll enjoy it and adore it, and there's no point thinking that way. I am also currently studying TEFL, giving me a qualification which will help me earn money in Spain. So there's nothing that says it won't happen, apart from the little voice in my head which says it's too good to be true haha.
The one last topic is about life online. I almost forgot to mention this, and then thought maybe I should make a whole separate blog post about it, but decided to squeeze it in here in the end. So here goes:
About the online world, I've also just been feeling a bit out of it recently. Recently I've been feeling like I don’t really have a place to be there. I feel as if I’m not giving you guys what you want to see, and that I’m a bit of a dead weight. I often feel like a fly, something that everyone wants to swat and get rid of aha. It doesn’t really make all that much sense because I often receive so many lovely messages from many of you, but I simply find myself sliding that way. My friend Ruth who also blogs, is the complete opposite to me. She knows her worth and even finds it annoying when people compliment her because she knows and she doesn’t need to be told!! Whereas, I'm a lot quicker to slide into feeling like no one wants me around, and that my online presence is pathetic and stupid and shouldn’t be there. I actually find myself really needing your encouragements and kind little messages, because each time they surprise me and help to ease the voice in my head saying that no one wants to see anything.
Sometimes, I truly want to just start an account with no folllowers so that I can create a beautiful moodboard without feeling like I'm annoying anybody, or getting in the way. I often find myself saying ‘sorry’ in my head (or even sometimes out loud haha) as I post, and consciously try to not think about what I'm doing too much- because if I think about it, I can hear a load of mocking voices who wish I would just shut up and not post.
I set myself harsh targets which often mean I have a lottt of photos to get through, so that I can get to ‘this point’ as soon as possible. I struggle to keep on top of the plan, and keep on top of whatever season we are in hahah, and it frustrates me how I am always still on Summer when others are on Autumn. That’s why I try not to think about it and sometimes post recklessly and frequently, but the problem is that that’s not enjoying it. The last time I posted a photo because I really wanted to was a month ago (the photos with Crisitina), and on average I’d say this is about the usual. I tend to have one post a month which I actually enjoy posting and want to post, and the rest are what I feel apologetic for, like Im annoying people, but I just want to create something beautiful.
I guess that’s why I so desperately needed a break last week. A break from posting, a break from feeling like a burden, and a dead-weight. I was only away for a week, but gagggh did I enjoy it. No Instagram can honestly feel like the best thing ever, and I just wanted more more more. But in the end, I looked at my plan and decided I should get some more posts up before I allowed myself another break. Unfortunately, I feel like if I don’t post for a week, that everyday I am falling behind on the feed plan, and will be even more behind when I come back. It’s an unhealthy way of thinking and I’m wondering how to sort it out. But trust me, there are days when I just want to uninstall the whole app, delete my account, and never come back to it. I love the photos, but I’m getting tired of the amount of superficiality that I keep seeing on social media. Maybe I just sound like a forty-year-old, but life online is simply not the same as life offline. I’m also feeling a bit sick of the pressure to look good. Sometimes it just feels very far away from my day to day life, where wearing makeup is barely ever in the cards anyway, and it’s more just about getting through the day.
I basically just lost someone who meant a lot to me this year. I was with someone who had me absolutely bewitched and entranced with him, and then I messed it up. And the shock and shame and self-disgust at myself has been very hard to deal with. I miss him a lot, and if I think about it really does throw me into a dark place, so I try not to. I guess it’s just one of those things which has an enormous power to make you feel even more alone. Losing someone is never easy, and I know that full well.
So yeah I'm finished now haha. I hope you enjoyed this little bit of honesty. I realise that I maybe have a talent at choosing the right photos and creating a moodboard that would display a beautiful, happy life (talent for being fake hahaha); but I just think it’s important to show what goes on in the inside occasionally. Though I love finding the best photos and making my grid/Instagram look pretty, that doesn’t mean to say for one moment that it is a reflection of my life. Anyway, I‘m sure your already saturated out of the ‘instagram is not reality’ lecture...I really hope you have a good day/evening/night, and that you find something that makes you just want to smile. Lots and lots of love,
[Photos all by @photog_ruthie. I left them all unedited so aplogies for any need for lightening/colour correction.}